I have never to my knowledge in my adult life stood on dogshit. Yet as a child I found myself with dogshit permanently stuck to the sole of my shoe. Is dog shit child magnetic? Maybe if they take out this magnetic active ingredient in dog shit they can study it, and take this child magnetism link in the dna make up of the dog turd, and eventually use it to check DNA strands of child molesters for the same afore-mentioned ingredient, thus preventing child molestation. A similar theory would work for cow fuckers Im sure. Cows are attracted way too much to those electric fences. They just lean on them and shit away. Maybe we should run an electric current through the cow fuckers body to cure him. Now see! We can all think like crazy Republican Americans. Lets shoot some guns in the air and put on white hoods. And fuck some cows abviously. On a stump. Cos if u dont have a cow fucking stump you better have one on lay away.

U know what sux about playing guitar? That you never have enough guitar accessories and guitar accessories are expensive. Solution: Rob old ladies of the drugs they are smuggling into the country and sell them yourself, thus providing you with enough money for a mesa boogie triple rectifier with multiple foot switching and a fender fucking strat! Now all you need to play guitar is :

6 strings

numerous plectrums of large and small thicknesses

A fuck lot of pedals

Two working minimum ten foot long leads

A slide

A string winder

A capo

An acoustic just in case you feel an acoustic urge

A sheet of paper to write down whatever shit youre playing that you think is good

A computer with connection to the internet to get guitar tabs

About 400 guitar magazines

A chord dictionary

A recording/sampling pedal type thingy

A strap

See?????? Guitar shop owners are screwing guitarists all over the world!
And U wanna know why? Cos Women are also screwing guitarists all over the world.

So dont forget to stick it to the man by sticking it to your woman.

I once lost bladder control in the middle of pissing myself.

Im offta america soon. Maybe Ill continue to blog, just so ppl can spot if I stop being able to talk shite at some stage.
Speaking of which,
shiteshiteshiteshite

White Stripes win Medal in Special Olympics!

Yeah! And when pressed for an interview Jack white left us at sixes and sevens with his beautiful vocal prose stylings.
"Well Jack, are you pleased at winning a medal in the special olympics for maintaining bladder control through out the whole opening ceremony?"
"Well, buh buh dah reeeeccctttttuuuuummmmmmm...... like public media perceptron dumdeedlehate. I am as talented as a dead pube deedle dee smeggle."
Yes, he certainly is a shit.

If u could really really exact a horrible revenge on someone how would you do it? Would you even really do it? Who would you do it too? I would like to hang that little drool ridden chipmunk jack white from his bellybutton with a big rusty hook till his intestines fell out. I was tricked, duped and lied to about the whole thing. So I actually bought the album, Elephant, which I have listened to now a good 5 times, thinking, "Oh it might get better". you know, telling youself you haven't just wasted money on a turd in the box of an album? Well. I have. Aside from yer man's voice, which I can see a lotta people would be into, he plays guitar like a moron who can barely string 2 power chords in succession, I mean there's six strings on a guitar man. Thats two more notes than you need. And what is with those drums. repetitive dull thumping never sounded so repetitive and dull. And she cant sing either. And its painfully obvious they are desperate to be recognised in a similar vein as the pixies. But they're not. Cos the white stripes haven't produced anything of note since Jack White shat out a piece of lego when he was three. Where as the pixies have influenced in some way just about every major respectible band around. And then they sell good from their first weird and shit album and suddenly everybody has to be in love with them. So they get even weirder than they already were, I mean fair enough, they don't know if they're siblings who fuck or whatever, but I dont care, and I dont think the world fucking should care if the two little tossers fuck each other or not. I mean if they came from the same womb it would be surely easier to eliminate the source of this virus. And that bunch of complete tools that actually think that an album as blaringly obviously shit and then write about in popular magazines tricking people to actually buy the wanked off pile of pigeon bile, and still no-one has copped on. And dont tell me that fucking lego video was innovative, cos I made better men out of lego than that when I was 4. Yeah.
That album gets 4 stars.

And Jim Carrey in Batman forever? I mean is this the fine performance we saw in the Truman show? I think not. How many movies could be improved if actors removed the class A drugs from their nose and the designer handbags from their conversation and just tried a bit harder? Not that I watch Batman religiously. (Im not weird or anything).

George Clooney played batman badly. A tense conversation starter, but one well worth it, if you have the bones of twenty three dates to get through cos your personal sex therapist had scheduled them sequentially according to your period of greatest fertility, and obviously virility. That's not to say I'm virulent, I'm virile. Obviously. But anyway, so start a conversation with the Clooney ceist(That's an oirish word, it means giant testicles) and be assured that you could separate the wheat from the chaff and find a fine red blood of a bird, one you can turn over and start again with. I mean he was a poor performer in a role he less than relished. What would you do/say to anyone who implied otherwise? "Good day sir" I should wager, or else you could fuck up his face with a big rusty nail. But that's not what I did with my dates, Im not weird or anything, I just threatened to bite their nipples off and serve them in the restaurants fresh seafood section in oyster shells. Just for a laugh, cos the old fellas at the bar would dig it. But anyway, after enough mind games to spend a lifetime in therapy(I'm not weird or anything) I walked home with a fine filly, and in fact couldn't turn over and start her again because I had burnt my arse so badly on the lightbulb. Not that I regularly have sex with horses.(I'm not weird or anything).

That crazy Mundy fellow stage jumped at the Trinners annual Ball gala, where I was toast of the town as I was paraded through the Pale centre, naked and dancing in a large martini, whilst thousands of potato farmers lavished me in praise, particularly noticing my slightly larger than usual genitalia. Particularly interesting, considering the chill in the morning air and the icy cold dry vermouth swimming below where my shorts should be. Maybe I shouldn't have taken those pills that odd-eye looking guy at the Arch offered me for 3 euro a pop.

That's crazy talk. Punctuate how you want. Im just an oik from Oireland with a spud fetish. Actually. that's my boyfriend. He's a spud too. Everyone says Im crazy keeping a spud in my underpants, but I like to talk to it. It keeps me company on cold dark nights when Crimes scene investigates is over and Im wank-xhausted. Its not really sexual thing. More about commitment, and no I'm sorry I cant continue.

use, more, comma's, it's, important. Actually never punctuate period

Every single meat eating man alive just doesn't like to spend time and money buying ingredients to hand make their own tortilla dips. But the entire irish society is now completely based around who has the best most original and mexican sounding and tasting tortilla dip. We are now classed based on the quality of dip that we serve at our table. Last night I was tired and bought a dip from the store cos my boss was coming over from the potato factory for to interview me to be vice pres. of the foreign sales operation. Two days later, my boss had recycled his food and I was semi-retired except for the graveyard spud dig. Few foreigners actually know how deeply Irish care for their tortilla dips. It's probably a good thing too considering how good Dustin "Im a neo-nazi quasi-homosexual turkey with outrageos rightwing political beliefs" turkey has done for this country in the 21st century.

New ONION OUT!
"We've all been there. I mean, I'm hardly the only one out there having oral, vaginal, and anal sexual contact. I'm just the one who winds up with a pus-like discharge shooting out of my hoo-hoo."

Fed up with a lot of these blogs.Continually reading about someone being some sort of tortured vaguely poetic person is the single most dull thing ever. I'd rather watch a spider crying over the end of "Titanic" whilst sitting with my balls balanced on a freshly sharpened razor blade. I mean really, how far can we take these people in a modern society? Are they just gonna sit outside under a tree in a thunderstorm whining till someone gives them pie and a knife to cut themselves, so then they can tell everyone how fucked up they are and listen to the Smiths all day? There are people in the world with real problems.
As long as you can say the words"I don't take it up the back door" in 5 languages you're sorted for smoo and anger where ever you do go, expecially if that place is jail or san francisco.


No lo tomo en la puerta trasera

Ich nehme es nicht in der rückseitigen Tür

Je ne le prends pas dans la porte arrière

Non lo prendo nel portello posteriore

Eu não faço exame d na porta traseira

More cormac related links.Click here.

Things to do to ensure you don't fart on others...
1. Don't be a motherfucking person who farts near people!
2. Be female.
3. Stick a small house pet in the space between ass and dick and then make it angry.
4. Insert a large hose in your anal cavity and suck out the little fucker before he poisons the rest of the world.

Things to do to ensure you're not farted on:
1. Dont sit near Cormac and his hideous rotary cannon ass.
2. Fart on someone else first.
3. Be female.

Cormac just farted. One of those really bad morning farts where the whole clenchedness of the previous nights sleeping is released. And then he walked past me. I AM NOT YOUR FART SNIFFER!!!!! Yeeargh *stab*

Boink oinkedy.

A list of Masturbation Yeufasmisms! no euphamsims no euphamisims, no actually I dont wanna write down a list of funny things that sound like they refer vaguely to masturbation. If u dont like it u can hoot my nanny. Im still incredibly pissed at vodafone though. Its clouding my mind. Rage is completely taking over. I think I'll go punch the speckled bishop till he pukes in his hat if u know what I mean.

Yesterday at 1:51p.m. I went to my ATM to top up my futhermucking mobile. Here I am 24 hours later and still no credit. So I rang them, on a pay phone, u know, cos I dont have fucking credit and all, and the number you ring to inquire about shit like having no credit is a toll number. I mean what the fuck? Are they the dumbest fucking stupidest company in the world? Nothing really against Vodafone but if I ever actually have to pay money to talk to some limpwrist about why the credit I paid for hasnt managed to travel the short cunting distance from atm to phone I am gonna start firebombing limpwrist central. Is the whole vodafone company just some poorly hidden twat charity that gives jobs to ppl on the premise that they cant do any job, whether it be chief marketing executive or bend over boy at their meetings everyday?
Fundamentally
SUCK MY BALLS VODAFUCKINGFONE

So I have found a whole new realm of unpleasant hangover accidentally.
try 2 cans of Budvar 2 pints and a bottle of wine. like a little under my usual haul but still feel bad in an intestinal sorta way.
I didnt mix the beer and wine though. not in the same glass anyway

Got naked with 4 guys last night.
Twas fun.

When I sleep I can hear vampire bats sleeping on babies. The babies are quiet enough now. But it's been 20 years. Those babies haven't grown. Hold me.


dumbass.

Was up late last night thinking about the "Things that can suck my balls" card. A card isnt large enough. Or else I need to generalise. I'll try and generalise, because there's nothing more satisfying than handing someone a card telling them to go SUCK MY BALLS.
So. Lemme see. How to generalise... The World can suck my balls? Maybe a list of things that dont have to suck my balls would be shorter.... People who make/get me/have gottten me munchies, beer, porn, illegal narcotics, and good music do not, yet have to suck my balls. All others, I may call in the ball suckage at any time, in any place.

No seriously though. When God made Jamie Oliver he was taking the piss right? A mockney cockney horrendous drummer with a poofy little haircut who tells people how to put shit in a pan and heat it with something. How did stone-age monkey moron man fall into a kitchen and then some how figure out how to speak, some sort of rarely understood ancient toss dialect, and then they started to film the FUCKER? and Pay him money? If u pay me like you pay him I could live in a pre-historic cave everynight to practice drooling and smearing feces on the wall with my bare hands like that stove puppet.I think I've seen cows that are more intelligent than him. And I dont mean some sort of angeldust supercow, I mean a big fuck off BSE ridden slightly dumb drooling slackjawed cow with a vague homosexual air about her.